A BIG congratulations to Miss Teen South Carolina Caitlin Upton, an eighteen year old beauty who fooled everyone earlier this week. When it was her turn to answer those inane questions every beauty pageant forces their contestants to answer on the spot, no rehearsal, etc, etc. Not only did she give a well thought out “off-beat” answer, some of the nations top scholars are still trying to decode the hidden meaning behind her response and who exactly she was communicating with. The Drudge Report is trying to confirm whether she has connections in the super-secret intelligence community and was in-fact communicating with her handler(s) about terrorist plots she had uncovered.

Let’s break down her answer word for word and see if we can figure this thing out.

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because [I think she means we have not taken appropriate measures to counter terrorist cells in a large midwestern city per her previous communications] , um, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps [she is telling her handlers that the intelligence community is way off track and should look at her previous communication on specific terrorist targets] and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq [she has found a trail of some sort, perhaps a financial link between cells in South Africa and cells in Iraq] and everywhere like such as [ok. she's uncovered numerous links hitherto unknown to the intelligence community because "everywhere" is not a term used lightly by the underworld], and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S.,[she is willing to go deeper undercover if "education" approves and she is given the necessary resources] uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future.”[this part is a little confusing. I'm not sure why she threw "Asian countries" in all of a sudden without context. I can only assume that the person(s) she is communicating with already understand those missing links. I hope so. There's too much on the line.]

Here’s the tape at normal speed. See what you think…

So I’m participating in the 30-Day Challenge. If you don’t know what it is, it’s a fun market research/training program where over the course of a month you start from scratch and try to make $10 from a website you’ve developed.

I joined for Sh%ts and giggles and it’s turned out to be a lot of fun and a great learning experience. The guys running it are fantastic and have created a “community” of like-minded folks who share and help each other; in general, a real enjoyable eye-opening experience.

Well, on day 16 I diligently started my blog at Tumblr as suggested. At the end of day 17, my account at Tumblr had been suspended. Apparently, the geniuses at Tumblr didn’t appreciate that probably thousands of people set up accounts within a 48 hour period and so they decided to do a mass deletion of those accounts (and others, I suspect).

Now I’m not a newbie when it comes to internet marketing, although this particular blog is only about a month old so it doesn’t yet get a lot of traffic, but I was always taught that “customers” and/or “traffic” was a good thing. The Tumblr folks must have got their MBA’s from BubbleGum University or some such. Because they just gave the finger to a very large community of innocent people doing exactly what the Tumblr folks set up their site to do.

So, to assure that my account is never re-activated, I sent, shall we say, a blunt email to Tumblr expressing my thoughts on the promotional strategy they’ve adopted and suggested a few changes they might want to make. Here you go:

1. Make an immediate name change to F%&K _YOU.COM

2. Make the sign up process far more lengthy and annoying that the current one

3. Profile applicants based on race, sexual preference, religous affiliation and other categories that are against federal law and deny access to anyone based on this information, thus inviting lawsuits.

4. Write a perl script (I’ll do it for free) that automates #3 so that the Tumblr owners don’t have to move their fat asses at all to deny accounts.

5. Change logo to

6. Begin an offline marketing campaign in micro-niche publications that are more targeted to the 3 people who fit their ideal customer profile.

7. Delete all acounts at least once a month to assure that their ex-customer base remains pissed and grows predictably.

Ive always admired hemingways writing style because of his short sentences abrupt stops and starts and ease of reading for people who dont read very well but surprisingly i didn’t discover hemingway till a bit later in life after i had written quite a bit of stuff on a variety of topics and employing a variety of styles that sometimes my employer wanted me to adopt and that sometimes I just wrote because I felt like it because he wasnt the boss of me even though he thought he was and to prove it to him one day I wrote a piece that was just one long sentence with no punctuation when he in fact had asked me to write using a simple style and no words longer than five letters because he thought that was what the audience wanted for that particular piece but of course I knew better because he wasn’t the boss of me and I can do what I want and I was here first anyway and he knew that but I digress because the point of this brief story that is difficult to read is that a person can be wrong sometimes and a person can even lose their job sometimes when they don’t do what the person who thinks he’s the boss of them tells them to do and I proved that to him by losing my job when I refused to shorten my two page sentence or add any punctuation because Bartleby the Scrivner is a personal favorite of mine and I preferred not to change my work because I wrote it and even though technically it belonged to the company that the person who thought he was the boss of me worked at it was in fact my creation and any rational person would have to be a nut case to ever publish it because even though it made perfect sense it was virtually impossible to get to the second page and remember what was written on the first page so I just took my sentence and I left the company and told the person who thought he was the boss of me that I quit even though he had just told me that I was fired and I told him that you can’t fire somebody who doesn’t work there and I was right and he was wrong because I actually quit five minutes before he told me I was fired but I forgot to tell him so I won and he lost so I hope I make that 10 dollars so I can buy something to eat before september

This just in…

“Forum Puts Democrats In Hot Seat Over Gay Issues”.

That headline just thizzzzlles!
Six of the Dem’s finest were on stage last night being peppered by gay questioners about some of the most important issues facing this country like whether kids should be taught why some of their friends have “2 mommies” and why Hillary waited a whole day to disagree with former Joint Chiefs of Staff chairman Peter Pace when he called homosexuality immoral and should Mr. Clinton’s policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” be repealed and blah, blah, blah over and over whine, whine, whine. I don’t know about you, but I never ran into a situation with my friends or any of my friends friends or even their friends where I was wondering why so and so had 2 mommies or 2 daddies. Do we really need to teach our kids that stuff in school? Can’t parents handle that however they see fit? Some of the questions made it sound like half the country is gay and we all need to get some education about what’s apparently going on in every other house on the street. Fact is if you’re gay, you’re in a tiny minority. And don’t shoot the messenger. I personally don’t have a problem with gay’s or straights or whites or blacks or any other category of human being except those bad boys and girls in the big house (the guilty ones, I mean). Don’t ask, don’t tell, ask, tell, sing, dance, shout, scream, laugh, cry. Do whatever the hell you want. Just don’t assume that I’m going to want to do what you want or that I’m going to adjust my life in any way to make you happy. Because making you happy is your job not mine. I’m tired, and this post sucks.

Out of rehab just one week and she gets blitzed and decides to chase an ex-employee around SoCal. Then she valiantly tries the “I wasn’t driving” excuse, which as we all know is just a variation of the universally tired “it’s not mine” excuse, which is itself an even more exhausted version of the “you started it” excuse. Hey Lindsay, SHUT UP!

Call Britney or Paris for a ride home next time. Oh, that’s right, in rehab and doing time. I think Nicole Ritch…, oops. Rehab. Olsen twins? Are they still alive, or what? I think the last I heard, one was a coke head and the other was trying to get down to her birth weight, or maybe that was the same one. It’s so confusing. Do these chicks blog? Can I get a feed so I’m up to date and don’t have a senior moment mid sentence. Wait, I know. Robert Downey Jr. Sober and a sponsor! There you go. Oh, that’s right. Same sex sponsors are suggested. Got it! Mackenzie Phillips. Alena Lodge grad and still on the wagon (I think. I’ll confirm and get back to you).

Stick with the winners sweetheart and you’ll be fine. Stay with the whiners and you’ve got a long road ahead. Trust me, I know.