Well, OJ Simpson has been out singlehandedly keeping Las Vegas safer for us all and for that he should be applauded. I guess the story (or more accurately, his story) is that some perps stole some “sports memorabilia” from him so he decided to send the call out to his “peeps” to get his stuff back. Guns in hand, they broke in to a hotel room and held the alleged robbers at gunpoint with threats and (gasp) swear words. I guess he was just doing what any normal person in his situation was doing – getting his shit back.

Just one minor detail that our hero apparently didn’t think of – YOU CAN’T TAKE THE LAW INTO YOUR OWN HANDS. Sorry Juice. Ya just can’t go do that stuff.

Now we all know that O.J. has been devoting the dozen or so years since his acquittal on double murder charges to find the real killers. He has apparently narrowed down his search to golf courses, mainly in Florida. This Vegas twist is new however. He must have gotten a tip that the “real killer(s)” were possibly in Vegas. I mean, there’s really no other explanation for him being there. He did say right after his acquittal that he was going to devote the rest of his life to finding those elusive real killers even if it meant going single-handedly into the seedy underbelly of the golf world, which is obviously exactly where the search has taken him. Brave man.

Let’s just hope cooler heads prevail in this latest misunderstanding and OJ can again be a free man again. We need people like him out there keeping us all safer, I know I woke up this morning just that little bit more on edge with the knowledge that there was one less citizen cop out there protecting us all.

I hope they fly Judge Ito in to take charge of this mess. Now there’s a decisive guy for you. You need a well though out, stand up in appeals court kind of ruling, Ito’s your man. Just give him adequate notice so he can weigh both facts before the coin flip.

O.J., here at Shut-Up, Stop Whining we’re pulling for ya. Whatever help we can be, just ask bro. We’re on the next bus to Vegas.

Yep. He’s dead. They couldn’t check his pulse because of the excess fat, but when he stopped asking for food they figured he had kicked. So some brave soul put his ear up to that thing we called his face to check his breathing. And, alas, there wasn’t any. I would have bet the ranch that he would have pulled a Mama Cass and choked on a ham sandwich. But he fooled us all. After living through 18 months of pancreatic cancer he probably wished somebody would have given him a ham sandwich. That’s a tough way to go. But as they say, he’s in a better place now where he can eat all he wants and sing till the wee hours. Somebody get me a tissue.

By the way, that is not Saddam Hussein in the picture, although you swap the tux for whatever is proper “spider hole” attire and you’ve got a dead ringer for that wily ex-dictator. You know how all Chinese look the same to Americans? I wonder if everyone looks like each other in heaven. Food for thought. I’m hungry.

A BIG congratulations to Miss Teen South Carolina Caitlin Upton, an eighteen year old beauty who fooled everyone earlier this week. When it was her turn to answer those inane questions every beauty pageant forces their contestants to answer on the spot, no rehearsal, etc, etc. Not only did she give a well thought out “off-beat” answer, some of the nations top scholars are still trying to decode the hidden meaning behind her response and who exactly she was communicating with. The Drudge Report is trying to confirm whether she has connections in the super-secret intelligence community and was in-fact communicating with her handler(s) about terrorist plots she had uncovered.

Let’s break down her answer word for word and see if we can figure this thing out.

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because [I think she means we have not taken appropriate measures to counter terrorist cells in a large midwestern city per her previous communications] , um, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps [she is telling her handlers that the intelligence community is way off track and should look at her previous communication on specific terrorist targets] and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq [she has found a trail of some sort, perhaps a financial link between cells in South Africa and cells in Iraq] and everywhere like such as [ok. she's uncovered numerous links hitherto unknown to the intelligence community because "everywhere" is not a term used lightly by the underworld], and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S.,[she is willing to go deeper undercover if "education" approves and she is given the necessary resources] uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future.”[this part is a little confusing. I'm not sure why she threw "Asian countries" in all of a sudden without context. I can only assume that the person(s) she is communicating with already understand those missing links. I hope so. There's too much on the line.]

Here’s the tape at normal speed. See what you think…

Out of rehab just one week and she gets blitzed and decides to chase an ex-employee around SoCal. Then she valiantly tries the “I wasn’t driving” excuse, which as we all know is just a variation of the universally tired “it’s not mine” excuse, which is itself an even more exhausted version of the “you started it” excuse. Hey Lindsay, SHUT UP!

Call Britney or Paris for a ride home next time. Oh, that’s right, in rehab and doing time. I think Nicole Ritch…, oops. Rehab. Olsen twins? Are they still alive, or what? I think the last I heard, one was a coke head and the other was trying to get down to her birth weight, or maybe that was the same one. It’s so confusing. Do these chicks blog? Can I get a feed so I’m up to date and don’t have a senior moment mid sentence. Wait, I know. Robert Downey Jr. Sober and a sponsor! There you go. Oh, that’s right. Same sex sponsors are suggested. Got it! Mackenzie Phillips. Alena Lodge grad and still on the wagon (I think. I’ll confirm and get back to you).

Stick with the winners sweetheart and you’ll be fine. Stay with the whiners and you’ve got a long road ahead. Trust me, I know.

It’s gonna be a good day. Jerry Garcia’s toilet is officially off the market and I’m gonna whine about that for a minute. Why wasn’t I notified that Jerry’s toilet was even ON the market? That’s a no-brainer buy for sure. I don’t know if it had been cleaned or flushed before the lucky buyer packed it up and installed it in what I’m sure is a prominent and deserving place in his or her home. I’d be typing this entry from Jerry’s crapper if I had only known about it.

All is not lost however. Jerry’s kitchen sink is up for grabs. I didn’t hear anything about the opening bid and I’m not even sure if I’m interested in it. Somehow I have to wonder how often that sink got used, you know with Jerry’s (sshhhhhhhh) drug problems and all. I just have a hard time picturing him slaving over the dirty dishes or whipping up a stuffed roasted pork loin that he just saw made on Emeril. Whereas, we all know that Jerry’s crapper got way more than average usage. When he wasn’t sitting on it reading Rolling Stone or High Times, he was no doubt parked in front of it on hands and knees. Sorry about the visual on that. Well, I’m gonna go eat some breakfast and check out ebay for the bidding on the sink.