(Washington, D.C., 27-Sept-2007). The Consumer Products Safety Commission confirmed today what many in Washington had been expecting since last weekend. Every product ever made is being recalled by the CPSC. A CPSC spokesperson, speaking anonomously confirmed the following to the ShutUp, StopWhining Washington bureau:

1. Every product ever made is being recalled
2. The CPSC admits it has lost control over product safety and that the only course of action left to it was to recall everything and start from scratch
3. This is a mandatory recall. If you own anything, you must return it.
4. There are no manufacturer time limits. Regardless of when it was made, it must be returned.
5. If you eat, you must return all food in your possession.
6. Shoes, clothes, toys, pets, friends, virtually everything must go back.

If you’re not sure where you bought it, bring it to Walmart. The CPSC and Walmart have been working closely behind the scenes to coordinate this recall.
“We deeply regret this drastic action” a CPSC official said, “but we’re are truly grateful to have a company like Walmart to assist us.”