(Washington, D.C., 27-Sept-2007). The Consumer Products Safety Commission confirmed today what many in Washington had been expecting since last weekend. Every product ever made is being recalled by the CPSC. A CPSC spokesperson, speaking anonomously confirmed the following to the ShutUp, StopWhining Washington bureau:

1. Every product ever made is being recalled
2. The CPSC admits it has lost control over product safety and that the only course of action left to it was to recall everything and start from scratch
3. This is a mandatory recall. If you own anything, you must return it.
4. There are no manufacturer time limits. Regardless of when it was made, it must be returned.
5. If you eat, you must return all food in your possession.
6. Shoes, clothes, toys, pets, friends, virtually everything must go back.

If you’re not sure where you bought it, bring it to Walmart. The CPSC and Walmart have been working closely behind the scenes to coordinate this recall.
“We deeply regret this drastic action” a CPSC official said, “but we’re are truly grateful to have a company like Walmart to assist us.”

Well it’s about time. Fred Dalton Thompson (I just like the name ‘Dalton’, so I threw it in there) finally announced his candidacy for President of the good ol’ USA yesterday via a video posted on his web site. Now all the political “analysts” can spend the next week debating whether he should have entered earlier and what effect this late entry will have on fund raising and is he a viable candidate and can he beat Hillary and Rudolph and blah, blah, blah. It will probably be a mini version of the endless mind-numbing non-stop inescapable analysis we were force fed through during the OJ trial. It’s a wonder more people didn’t stick a collective revolver in their mouths back then. As the Brits would say “it was daunting and dreadful”.

Yea, he’s late getting in, but a week in politics is a lifetime. So I won’t bore you with analysis. Let’s just sit back and watch the actor do what actors do. I’ll leave you with this. This guy has stage presence out the wazoo. If the public takes him seriously and he remembers to zip his fly 90% of the time, he’ll be fine.

A BIG congratulations to Miss Teen South Carolina Caitlin Upton, an eighteen year old beauty who fooled everyone earlier this week. When it was her turn to answer those inane questions every beauty pageant forces their contestants to answer on the spot, no rehearsal, etc, etc. Not only did she give a well thought out “off-beat” answer, some of the nations top scholars are still trying to decode the hidden meaning behind her response and who exactly she was communicating with. The Drudge Report is trying to confirm whether she has connections in the super-secret intelligence community and was in-fact communicating with her handler(s) about terrorist plots she had uncovered.

Let’s break down her answer word for word and see if we can figure this thing out.

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because [I think she means we have not taken appropriate measures to counter terrorist cells in a large midwestern city per her previous communications] , um, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps [she is telling her handlers that the intelligence community is way off track and should look at her previous communication on specific terrorist targets] and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq [she has found a trail of some sort, perhaps a financial link between cells in South Africa and cells in Iraq] and everywhere like such as [ok. she's uncovered numerous links hitherto unknown to the intelligence community because "everywhere" is not a term used lightly by the underworld], and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S.,[she is willing to go deeper undercover if "education" approves and she is given the necessary resources] uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future.”[this part is a little confusing. I'm not sure why she threw "Asian countries" in all of a sudden without context. I can only assume that the person(s) she is communicating with already understand those missing links. I hope so. There's too much on the line.]

Here’s the tape at normal speed. See what you think…

This just in…

“Forum Puts Democrats In Hot Seat Over Gay Issues”.

That headline just thizzzzlles!
Six of the Dem’s finest were on stage last night being peppered by gay questioners about some of the most important issues facing this country like whether kids should be taught why some of their friends have “2 mommies” and why Hillary waited a whole day to disagree with former Joint Chiefs of Staff chairman Peter Pace when he called homosexuality immoral and should Mr. Clinton’s policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” be repealed and blah, blah, blah over and over whine, whine, whine. I don’t know about you, but I never ran into a situation with my friends or any of my friends friends or even their friends where I was wondering why so and so had 2 mommies or 2 daddies. Do we really need to teach our kids that stuff in school? Can’t parents handle that however they see fit? Some of the questions made it sound like half the country is gay and we all need to get some education about what’s apparently going on in every other house on the street. Fact is if you’re gay, you’re in a tiny minority. And don’t shoot the messenger. I personally don’t have a problem with gay’s or straights or whites or blacks or any other category of human being except those bad boys and girls in the big house (the guilty ones, I mean). Don’t ask, don’t tell, ask, tell, sing, dance, shout, scream, laugh, cry. Do whatever the hell you want. Just don’t assume that I’m going to want to do what you want or that I’m going to adjust my life in any way to make you happy. Because making you happy is your job not mine. I’m tired, and this post sucks.

Barak: Wah, wah, wah.

Hillary: Wah, wah, wah

“Yes you did.”

“No I didn’t”

For god sakes, are these two whiners ever going to shut-up and talk about real problems that real people face. This two-way pissing match may be interesting to the “inside the beltway gang”, but I find it nauseating.

“Where have you gone Freddie Thompson? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you”. I’ll admit it. I’m a big Fred Thompson fan. And I’ve been a big Fred Thompson fan for a long time, going way back to his days as a U.S. senator from Tennessee. He’s smart, he’s conservative, he’s a straight-shooter and he has substance and depth. I’ll grant you he is not a household name even with his role on NBC’s Law & Order. I doubt most people could tell you much about him. I can and I will in future posts.

What I don’t understand is why he hasn’t announced yet. He’s got catching up to do. I just hope he doesn’t have a Mario Cuomo skeleton in his closet. We’ve come a long way baby, but we still expect our leaders to be better than us, or at least be smart enough to package themselves better than us.

The good news for the Thompson camp is that he is a powerful public speaker, he’s physically imposing and has boatloads of stage presence. That’s the superficial stuff. I’ll talk more about his political views in coming days. But for now, just know he is the real deal and I believe he has a better than even chance of winning it all if he puts the right team together and plays himself. Whiners watch out!